Mother's Day 2013

    Ahh, it's over!!  Mother's Day--the day we all feel a little guilty for not being the perfect mom!  It was a good day, actually.  I received all my favorite things-- flowers,  a gift card for Italian food, and books!!  And....I saw all my kids, and talked to my missionaries who are absent from my home. Ben and Jess made a wonderful "CostaVida" dinner with sweet pork, cilantro-lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo, that really delicious green dressing and tortillas!  Yummy!!  Thank you,  guys!!

    For years now, I have not particularly cared for Mother's Day.  Many of my acquaintances feel the same way about it as I do, and are not shy about voicing their opinions.  Now that my beloved mother has been gone for 13 years, it is a yearly reminder (not that I need one) that she is not longer in my physical presence.  I miss her....everything about her.   She was my one true advocate when I was feeling like a lousy mother.  She was quick to point out everything that was good and decent about me, and I eagerly nudged her for more praise in my behalf.    I never felt like I quite measured up, and constantly bemoaned my ability to be as good as "other" mothers.  My lack of patience and housekeeping skills amongst all the other traits necessary for "good" mothering I thought I was deficit in--- constantly deteriorated my self esteem.  Each night I would pray to be the kind of mother I had always wanted to be, but found myself still severely lacking in the qualities I so desired.

     Somehow we got through the baby years, and as I watch Emily with sweet, colicky Ruby, I give thanks that I am no longer the mother of infants.  However,  that being said, I wish sometimes I could have a do-over.  Each mother's day I inwardly cringe that I am not the "exceptional" mother I still wish I could be.  Still, I believe I am loved for all that things that I am, and in spite of the things that I am not...and my kids do love me.  I know that ....even as I whine about the many shortcomings that are a part of me.  I am so beyond unorganized that I watch "Hoarders" just to feel a little better about my house and belongings.

    I think that as I focus less upon myself and more on others, I feel better about my own inadequacies.  When I leave this earth, it will not be my house that is remembered, my orderly cupboards, or my immaculate floors and pristine bathrooms.  It will be about me, and about the way I treated other people, and the friends I made throughout my lifetime.  It will be lessons I learned through interactions with all different kinds of people with varying experiences and problems that teach me and help to define my character.

 Fay Johnson, my mother, was that kind of person, and so was my father.  When my father passed away, all kinds of people from all kinds of walks of life greeted me at his viewing, saying "Thiel Johnson was a man without guile".  He loved people, and showed it through his service to them.  Fay Johnson talked to everyone, but more than that, she listened.  She was a huge source of comfort and solace for so many friends.  Alas, her housekeeping skills were also lacking.  But her heart was not, and she would rather talk on the phone with someone who needed advice or go for a walk with someone who was despondent than clean her cupboards.  She was not a PTA president.  She was not a civic leader, and she did not volunteer for endless committees.  She did not belong to sororities and bridge clubs, but she exemplified love and friendship every day that she lived by just being her.

   Perhaps I could have a cleaner bathroom AND friends, but I am trying to convince myself that a mother, a true friend,  a caring person does not have to be everything to be something to someone out there who needs to be uplifted.  To all of those who can do more than I--- I covet your skills.  Would that I could have them, but as I try to work on bettering myself,  I hope that you, too, will be gentle with yourselves.  Give yourself more credit for everything that you do right.

   A card came from Mark who told me how much he loves me, and said, "I love that I could always come and talk to you, even when you thought I was arguing".  (He does like to argue a bit)  Somewhere, sometime I must have done something good (Sound of Music song?)  because I have such good kids. I am truly grateful.

   I spoke to all my missionaries who are doing very well although it is not always so easy. Matthew loves Ohio, and Mark loves the people he is trying to talk to (Spanish is not so easy)  in Oklahoma. Rachel arrived in Michigan and  loves her trainer and companion, Sara.  Still, I cried just a little as I hung up the phone because I know it will be Christmas before I hear their sweet voices again. My mother would be so proud of them,  and I am sure she knows how they are doing  because every aspect of their lives was so important to her.

   I pay homage to my mother and to my mother-in-law who always tried their best and have a huge posterity and friends who love them.  JoAnn, (Jerry's Mom) said today that a Bishop  once said, "I don't understand why you and Jack have such good kids!"  I laughed, but I am married to one of her "good kids" and am thankful for all her efforts.  She, too, loves people and has always reached out to others.

   I guess I can try to stop coveting the organizational skills of others, and as I work on my own faults, learn to like myself in spite of them.  Happy Mother's Day to all the women who try so hard to make a difference.  I am hoping that in the grand scheme of things, that no one will care that weeds grew in my yard, or that my soup cans  tumble out of my cupboards when I open the doors.   Dorma, my couch is crooked,  my rug needs vacuuming, and no one has filled the dishwasher, but I am here for you:)

  I have so many great role models in my life of women who fill their lives so effectively and are always  doing for others.  I could not get through life with my friends, and the examples they are to me.  I think we are great, and just need to remind ourselves of how wonderful we are --a little more often!!